Letters to ourselves, ten years later: Lessons from the shortest days at the end of a decade.

I am sharing never before images of myself, ten years ago. 2009-2019, parts 1 and 2, plus a bonus birthday side by side with my little (November 24 was the day!) - what a magical bean. Letting myself off the hook for not being as articulate as I’d like, but here goes: 

Within the past decade I’ve saved myself more times than I can say, and been saved by the kinds of love and friendship that transcend time, distance, age, and experience. I have honed and deepened my capacity for justice and healing. I’ve been a teacher, farmer, librarian, yoga instructor, board chair, I’ve become an Auntie, and a dog parent! I’ve been wildly sick, and wildly well, visited 20 countries and 5 continents. I’ve been poor and experienced housing and food insecurity, I’ve also had full benefits and a retirement plan. I’ve rested in deep, nourishing Abundance, in the truest sense. My experiences have been so varied, it’s hard to reflect on these past ten years in short.

2019 has brought the most grief, tumult and insecurity in a nearly the entire decade. This year alone, I separated from my long-time partner and closet collaborator after two yers of marriage. I said goodbye to loved ones and hello to new ancestors, navigated chronic illness/pain, and released my first record, after years of labor and learning. I am so grateful to my beloveds, friends new and constant who have supported and encouraged me at every opportunity to trust and love myself. I’m exploring these new griefs that challenge me to heal, and expand. Losing some of my dearest teachers, loosing myself from toxic relationships, trusting some beautiful things just don’t always work out and learning new ways of loving is my work in the new decade.

I used to say “Let your voice break, it’s knowing you’re growing.” I have felt so far from my instrument, strangely isolated from it’s power to nurture me- somehow my capacity to make music seems to have left with my partner, who I wish all the love and beauty in the world. It is a raw and terrifying new experience, a kind of “emergency” — rising to the occasion and learning how to breathe — that takes so much of our energy. There have been, and will be many more tears. Every time my voice breaks, I try to remind myself that I am closer to the song of my heart than I was before- even if it can’t get past my throat.

So begins my work this Winter Solstice, on the darkest days and longest nights of the year. Drawing in, working on alone-ness (I am SO unskillful in this realm!), inventorying what I will need in the next decade- there is so much work to do, and it starts with myself. My curiosities have led me to the best of myself, in service to others, so I have to continue to believe in it!

Many of you know this, but it might be news for some: I identify as a non-binary, gender-expansive person! This year I started using they/them pronouns, and it has been so affirming...when you use she/her pronouns, it kinda feels like you’re talking to my elbow...part of me but not all! Please practice using they/them; when you practice with my pronouns, it lets me know that, when I tell you who I am, you believe me.

I haven’t always been able to trust myself or the people I love to accept me, even when my beloveds are encouraging me to. I’ve forfeit much love and many connections trying to be what I ~imagine~ people want me to be; it’s no longer a strategy worth the risk. I’m working hard to let myself grow, rather than shaping myself into what I think you will accept. I am curious about the music to come, about what is uncovered in the quiet and the dark, and what I will be able to lay to rest, in service of a new decade. May all beings benefit from the Big Slow, from these, quiet times. 

@chaninicholas is always so spot on, and her words for the New Moon in Sag become my declarative for the next year, and the next decade:

“I remember to free up as much of my creative energy as I can because, at this moment, my rebirth is my focus. 

Over the past year, I have burst the seams of my previous incarnations. I’ve tried, tested, and become a true champion of my choices. My dreams depend on it. My past selves are banking on it. My life is mine and more than that. Moving into spaces that are able to contain all of me, the next 12 months will be spent unapologetically. Appreciation is what I see when I look at the past. Abundance is what I see when the mirror catches me. Gratitude gets constantly sent to the parts of myself that have always known how to survive and are now learning to thrive.”